They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
