my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
