i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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