Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The best revenge is premature balding
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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