My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
