why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
