Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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