he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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