she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Barsexuality is the new black.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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