The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
