pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
