I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
