At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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