Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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