you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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