Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
