I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
