bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
