No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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