I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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