Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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