So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
