so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
