I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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