have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
FUCK WHALES
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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