my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
