My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
