I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
