Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
pop tarts are not kleenex
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I wish there were birth control emojis
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
