Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
