I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
