found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
