you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
