i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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