hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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