So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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