I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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