I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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