True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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