I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I came so hard my ears popped.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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