Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
