I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
