I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
