I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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