I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
