Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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