hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize