: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
What drink are we having for lunch?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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