Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
