I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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