So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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