we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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