I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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