He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
this will be a night to untag.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize