dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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