Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
