i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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