haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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