I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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