Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
