I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
