happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
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