She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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