Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
