she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
